Five Things You Should Know Before You Share Your Story

I’d like to announce that my blog is going to move to a once-weekly posting.  As of right now my work is a little too much pressure to post more than one time a week.  For right now that posting day will tentatively be either Monday or Tuesday, as those are typically my days off.  As my work schedule settles even more I will begin to look at increasing, as I see fit, the frequency of posting.

Today’s post is going to deviate a little bit from the standard model I use.  I’ve always said that this blog is ultimately for me, and I totally mean that.  Some people have wondered, to an extent, how it is that I can say it’s just for me yet put it out publicly for others to read.  That is actually quite a fair question, and I feel that I should take some time to answer it.  I did do some of this on my About and FAQ page, but was more in line with the original creative intent of the project.   Given that I have focused more on the actual journaling aspect of the blog, I think it’s a fair question.

To put it simply, I originally put it out there because I didn’t expect anybody to read it. I am but a single drop of water in the ocean of bloggers, even on a specific subject like addiction recovery.  But as I’ve learned that there are at least some people who seem to be interested in my experience, and as I’ve worked through my recovery more, I’ve realized the value that comes with sharing experiences.

One of the most significant parts of my recovery has been realizing how many people out there are going through very similar things.  Many of these same people had experiences through their addiction that parallel mine.  At the most basic level it is a reassurance that you are not, in fact, as alone as you may have felt during the addiction.  On a higher level, through sharing stories we can learn what other people experienced and felt during addiction, and we can also see what works for them in recovery.

None of that is probably at all foreign to those of you in recovery.  To those of you who are not, that is why most addiction recovery programs involve a lot, if not exclusively, group environments.

So while I can share my story with those in my group, I feel it is also worth putting it out there on the off chance that someone who is not in one of my groups takes something away from what I’ve experienced.  Much to my surprise, this seems to be the case.  I have been contacted by a good amount of people in all stages of addiction and recovery who have stories to share with me, and who felt some connection to me through my story.  It is an amazing feeling to know that my writing has had some impact upon others.

I am also shocked at how prevalent addiction really is, and how many people seem to teeter on the edge between recreational use of a substance and total addiction. I am not necessarily surprised that people do reach out to another addict, especially one in recovery, as it is totally understandable to want to connect with someone who will know your experience to some degree.

Today’s post is going to be a list of things I think people in that position ought to know before contacting me.  What this is meant to describe to you is what you can expect from me (or really anybody else who you might contact), what I might suggest to you, and just a few other sapient points.   Should you contact me, it is likely I will refer to many of these points, be it directly or indirectly.

I want to start by saying flat out that I absolutely encourage you, if you feel that you need or want to do so, to reach out to me.  None of what I am about to say is meant to discourage this at all.

With that, let’s start.

 

1. I Am Not A Therapist

I do not wish this to sound overly harsh, but I am an addict who is a mere three months into his own recovery.  I am in no position to actually help you.  Beyond listening to your story, sharing experiences, and possibly pointing you in the right direction for further help (more on that later), I cannot offer any real, significant help that is going assist you in overcoming your addiction.

Much of the group experiences of rehabilitation programs is based around hearing what other people have to say, and so you may feel that this isn’t necessarily fair for me to say.  The big difference here is that usually there are others around—most specifically mental health professionals and substance abuse counselors—who can provide a professional perspective on any advice that might be offered peer-to-peer.  I am not any kind of mental health professional.  Period.  It would be unethical and potentially dangerous for me to presume to actually tell you what to do or give significant advice on how to overcome various problems.

I am an addict.  I cannot in good conscience (or legally) provide any kind of mental health care for you.  If you do decide to contact me, please remember this, as my advice will be vague, and limited to a very, very specific subset of information.

2. Get Professional Care

This brings me to the next point, which is to consider professional care.  This is one of the few things I will advise you on.  If you do contact me, you can be assured that I will strongly suggest professional substance abuse counseling outside of peer group programs like NA/AA.

The main reason this will be my biggest suggestion is that these professionals are the only ones qualified to actually suggest care and treatment options.  My outpatient care, provided by Rosecrance, involved a totally free intake/consultation.  The point of this was to take information, begin the process, and suggest a specific route of care for my addiction.  As I went there of my own accord, it is completely voluntary and I can terminate the care at any time.

From my understanding, it is strongly suggested that you approach a treatment program that is going to offer a similar model of intake.  If you are unsure of what programs might exist in your area, my first suggestion would be to see your primary care physician or, if you have one, your psychiatrist.  They can often point you in the right direction for not only your monetary situation, but also based upon your addiction itself.

I will never undermine the significance of NA/AA and other peer programs that have helped millions.  Success within NA/AA is not ever guaranteed, but is far more likely for those who are truly working the steps of the program.  But there are people for whom NA/AA will never be enough on its own, and it is best to at least get a consultation from an actual health care professional before ignoring the option of outpatient or inpatient addiction recovery programs.

 

3. I Will Be Honest, Even If It’s Not Pleasant

I am an addict, and I know damn well what we will often do and say in the depths of our addiction.  I frequently quote John Cheese of Cracked, and I’ll do so again.  Check out his “7 Things You Don’t Realize About Addiction Until You Quit” article, and then read point number five, “Current Alcoholics Just Piss You Off”.  I am not suggesting you read that because, as a current addict, you piss me off.  I am suggesting it because John Cheese explains the reasons why it pisses him off and those reasons are real for most people.

I will summarize it, but basically it becomes difficult because often those who reach out to you are showing the same signs of addiction that you experienced yourself.  Cheese even suggests that he can predict relapses based upon the way people discuss their addiction, and I don’t think he is far off.

Addiction is a disease that takes over the mind, and there are times that even a well-meaning addict in recovery can be stuck in mindsets that seem good, but are merely different forms of the addiction.  This is a real problem, and it is part of why addiction recovery is so difficult (and also part of why I suggest professional care).

I make this point solely to remind those who might contact me that while you may feel sincere in your beliefs, I will not pause if I see signs of addictive justification or rationalization that are dangerous.  As such, there will be times when I am going to have to be blunt and honest with you, and I want to make clear that such bluntness is not meant to hurt, but to help.

A great example that Cheese points out is people who say they have a problem then suggest they’ll be cutting back.  My previous post, “Functional Alcoholism Isn’t A Thing” talks about that, and I could write a lengthy post discussing even more reasons why that statement—the idea of having an addiction but moderating—is totally wrong.

Your brain, as an addict, will tell you anything to get you to go along with it and give it more of your DOC.  It will tell you that you totally can moderate, and that you totally have control, just so that you can get more of it.  You will tell other people you are cutting back, or taking steps to recover, but will still have the same habits.  Any of these things are possible, and they are all actually quite likely.

So again, I will not hold back if I see these behaviors, but it is not an attempt to discourage or demean you, but rather to point in the right direction.

 

4. I Cannot Be Emotionally Invested In Your Recovery, Nor You In Mine

This might seem weird, but hopefully it will end up making sense.  I am an addict, and if you are an addict writing me, we are in a tough situation.  I am happy to talk to you, I am happy to point you to professional care, and even to point out addictive thinking that I see.  What I absolutely cannot do is become your close friend, become romantically involved, or otherwise invest myself significantly in your own recovery effort.  Neither should you invest in mine.

The reason is simply the threat of relapse, but a threat that comes from many directions.  To begin with, if I am spending more time thinking about your addiction than my own, I am likely to get complacent and could relapse.

If I am too emotionally invested in your recovery and you relapse, it could cause me to relapse with you.  This could be a result of me feeling let down or upset at my own inability to help you prevent relapse or simply because I saw/heard about you doing it and thus ended up relapsing myself.

I could go on for a long time about the ways this poses a danger.  I will not do so, but will just reassure you that I will be happy to listen, happy to get periodic updates, but I cannot invest myself to the point of strong friendship.

Some of you might be asking about the whole idea of sponsors in NA/AA and similar programs and why those exist if such a danger is present.  The important thing to realize about sponsors is that in almost all cases they are people who are far enough along in recovery—and with enough sober time—to understand how to balance these relationships with their own needs.

Addicts who are early in recovery will not have these tools, and do not make good sponsors.  Imagine if your own sponsor relapsed, how would you handle that?   Imagine if you were to confide in me and saw me in a similar way, and then I relapsed.  How would you handle that?

Ultimately, it is about understanding reasonable separation.  For that reason alone I may only respond to attempts at continued correspondence at certain intervals, specifically to try to prevent this from happening.

 

5. Absolutely Contact Me

As I said early on, the point here is not to discourage you from talking to me, but to make you aware of some of the things that might happen if you do.  I absolutely love hearing from people who want to take important steps, and I am happy to be able to share my story and hear theirs.  If you have a story to share, I absolutely encourage you to contact me in any way you want, be it via the blog or by e-mail at akakiwu490@icloud.com.

I may not be able to help you how, or tell you what, exactly you want, but I can provide someone who is open to hearing what you have to say.

As always, thank you all for your continued support.